III. Moving Beyond The Digits
The Idea of Discipline
This is the most important concept for the player to master. Without it, he’s a Gump. Your game will be defined by how disciplined you become. Any master – Tiger Woods, George Soros, JFK, Derek Jeter – is defined by discipline. Discipline, restraint, terms, rules – call it what you want – it will save your ass and wallet more times than you know. Of course, it’s easy to talk discipline, much harder to implement it when it matters. And that’s the precise point: discipline only matters when it’s most needed and hardest to honor.
Few areas of your life will require a better understanding of discipline than in your relations with women. They are a sophisticated breed, inculcated from an early age with values that help them seek out a man of resources, exploit those resources for the nest, and have offspring. God Bless Them! I’m glad they are programmed that way. It’s a problem, however in the dating scene, because you may want to sleep with a girl and not have a family with her. And why spend time and money you don’t have?
At its core, the “game” is really this dance – getting the milk without buying the cow. And for anyone reading this guide, it’s plain that women have a much better system for getting what they want. They also have the support of a society that defends (despite feminism and women’s lib) their agenda; the solo guy looking to have some unattached fun has few options: ugly girls, hookers, porn, liquor… It’s not the easiest thing to lead a carefree life of abundant sexual partners and easy times without opening the wallet at all – and not spending hours courting the girls.
I’ve made headway in cracking the code and I’m writing it here for the benefit of other guys who may be in-between relationships, need a break, or are sour on commitment. Whatever your reasons, you can enjoy a life of abundance – if you develop the discipline.
- The amount of fun sex you enjoy on your terms is directly proportional to your level of personal discipline.
Much could be written about this, no doubt. Here we’ll focus on some key aspects, things that are sure to emerge as you work on your rap.
First of all, know that women are in no hurry to sleep with you. The urgency is on our end because of opportunity cost (the other girls we’re not pursuing) and the burn rate of “entertaining” this woman. (Note: as you’ll see, if your entertaining involves spending money on women you haven’t yet slept with, you’ve got it backwards). In my experience, a woman will hang around a guy in whom she’s interested for quite a while as he executes courtship moves. This is fine if you plan on marrying this woman (how you’ll know you want to marry someone before sampling the goods is beyond me). But, in the casual setting of modern-day dating, this is a case in which the man has lost control of the situation.
Never rely on the women to let you know when you’ve spent enough money, time, jokes, “social proof”, etc on her and that now it’s ok to initiate a physical relationship. She won’t do it. There’s a reason (among others) that it’s men who build aqueducts, wage wars, erect pyramids, build canals. Never rely on a woman for timing, for her to make her mark on the situation. They are conservative animals; they’ll wait until the energy or money has been bled dry and then still, they may not make the move. The timing is your domain. Remember that: timing is your domain.
I mention this because it’s the key insight into exercising discipline. Perhaps the biggest difference between a guy who gets “lucky” once in a blue moon and a real player is that the player owns the timeline of the date. When I approach women and deal with them everyday, I engage them on my own terms. Of course, some don’t like it. That’s the discipline. You’ll know you’re getting there when a woman you’d love to sleep with walks away because you’ve moved too fast or have been too direct. It’s counter-intuitive, like so much else in this world of modern-dating. But don’t worry, I guarantee (one of few I’ll make) that if you develop sufficient discipline such that women are actually walking away, you’ll be having more sex with hotter girls, on a monthly basis. That’s because your confidence will be building as you feel your masculine energy emerge and you’ll be engaging plenty of girls but only pursuing those who are qualified leads. Your actual success rate will go through the roof, I promise. Remember, the first time a woman doesn’t agree to your terms – they can be as simple as “Give me your number now, because I’m late and I’d love to see you later for a coffee,” and she balks – you’re actually making progress. Prior to this you haven’t been penetrating the tranquil female status quo with your rich, masculine energy. You’re starting to make a footprint. Congratulations.
If you really develop this precious quality of discipline, you’ll actually feel it viscerally when your tested, proven terms come up against those of a real hottie, a woman in control of her reality. You’ll feel the tension and negotiation that takes place. It’s exciting, in a way. She feels it, too. Most men, of course, don’t go here because of fear: they’re so excited about this one hot girl in front of them, they’re afraid to piss her off because maybe she’s the last good-looking woman on the planet. Come on. They know – or intuitively sense – your fear and they work it so you have no integrity. Watch it happen with yourself, or to your buddies. Even guys in relationships suffer from this fear.
The more experienced I’ve become with women the more women I’ve actually pissed off. Read some of the blogs on jezebel.com or gawker.com. But, my sexual success with women during this period has actually soared. It’s like the fox that sneaks into the hen house. They’re all squawking and fluttering about but I’ve never eaten so well. Why would women become so animated and frustrated but that I’ve penetrated some of their closely-held secrets and beliefs?
Until we, as men, learn to reclaim this territory we’re going to be weak and seek to sublimate sexual frustration in things like cars, wars, guns, etc. But, I digress. If we can agree that long-term relationships, including marriage, are clearly a woman’s domain, then we should, at the very least, exercise our full prerogatives when single. The big ruse of monogamous relationships is that women have succeeded in convincing us to voluntarily enter into a situation in which we have no sexual alternatives. Think about that. The way the institution is set up, men willing agree to forgo all the other sexual options so that their woman is happy. If that’s not evidence of a woman’s agenda and her control of the situation, then I don’t know what else is. Of course, given our biology, monogamy is a much easier concession (generally speaking) for women than for men, who are designed to spread their seed. I do understand the need for the family unit for purposes of child-rearing and for stable societies. I guess we could argue that point, too, citing villages that raised children collectively and examples of polygamy, but this isn’t an anthropology paper, so I’ll refrain.
So, I’ll concede that for modern, Western society the family unit is necessary. We men sacrifice a lot for achievement of that ideal; witness a fit, successful man burdened by a fat, unattractive harridan. But, for God’s sake, don’t give them our single life, too. This, we need to own. The entirety of this guide is designed to allow men to maximize their enjoyment and prerogatives during this period of their life. Anything we unconsciously cede to women during this period is only our own fault.
I wrote something for the blog on The Today Show that gets to the center of this issue.
- Challenge a woman immediately to force her out of her comfort zone.
Just as in sales, you need to offer a proposition to your prospect. In fact, this is done on the street in the first ten seconds when I ask for a telephone number. Shit or get off the pot, right? I found that unless I force a decision upon the woman, I learn nothing about her. Is she open-minded, a risk-taker, or closed and conservative? Can she adjust to new information, or does it confuse her? In my experience, the real interesting part of dating is the drama that unfolds when I’m unyielding about a position and I get to see how the woman reacts. This is not as hostile as it sounds; I simply believe that in the chaos of NYC dating, I’ll only get to see a woman’s true colors when she has to decide. The rest is platitudes, pleasantries and bullshit. No one ever reveals themselves by being polite, is my experience.
The discipline comes from recognizing a situation isn’t going to work out on your terms and walking away. You must have faith to do this, however: faith that there will be another woman around the corner that may more closely fit your ideal.
What exactly does discipline-in-action-look like? There are two points of contact with a new girl that are profoundly revealing: getting her phone number and asking her up to my apartment. Push-back on either of these that can’t be overcome with good “game” disqualifies her. I don’t care how hot the girl is… Think about it. If a woman gets you to break on a small point and sees that weakness, you think she’s going to relent? Or respect you when you’ve jumped through all her hoops? I’ve found (and so have my other male friends who are successful with women) that a difficult woman never becomes easier. In other words, you’ll know after two minutes – usually after fifteen seconds – with what type of woman you’re dealing. Sticks-in-the-mud never become carefree, spirited women, in my experience.
If I ask for a woman’s number and she flat-out refuses, usually citing a boyfriend, I’ll just move on. (On occasion, if she’s playful and I think she’d do something if she were single I’ll take her number and tell her I’ll put a two-month forward indicator after her name. Two months later, I’ll text her; if she’s still involved, good for her. If not, we’ll meet then. I’ve had success with that counter to the boyfriend objection. Just like sales!) But, the discipline comes when the girl wants to bullshit and add layers to the modes of communication: “No. Why don’t I give you my email address” or “No, but I’ll take yours.” I often try to talk through those objections, or just dismiss them while I open my phone saying something like, “Why are you making this more difficult than it has to be?” If they insist on email, business cards, taking my number or any other bullshit, no matter how hot they are, or how much they seem to be interested in connecting, I walk. I’m usually not very polite. I just walk away. Clearly, this type of girl wants to do something other than communicate directly; there are probably many explanations, but why speculate. There are other women out there to meet.
The second point of negotiation occurs when I ask them up to my apartment. I have different tactics for doing this because I’ve learned that setting up the evening as, “You’re going to come over and we’ll shag,” doesn’t capture their romantic imagination too well. I’ll get into tactics later. The point here is that after I’ve set-up everything as well as possible, if she still refuses to come up, I’ll almost always send her packing. She has an entrenched position which we could call, “I’m not going into his apartment to be alone with him” and I have a staunch position we could call, “I’m not going to go out and spend more time on the street/in the park or spending money at bars/restaurants/movie theaters/opera.” Many women will discard their position and come up, but a percentage of them are hard bargainers and the only course with them is to declare “No Deal!” Buckling to her terms after such a tense face-off is going to demonstrate weakness so a) she’ll drag you all over town to demonstrate her victory and b) her loss of respect for you will prevent you from getting nookie.
The discipline, of course, is being able to walk away from an attractive girl in whom you have previously shown interest, secure in the knowledge that you have plenty more to choose from. In fact, another one should be there in twenty minutes if you’re doing this right. Among the most powerful allies we have in the game are other women. I’ve said that the single most powerful word a man can utter is, “Next!” It’s to the benefit of the single man to maintain a large inventory of fun, available girls. A difficult girl can always be jettisoned in favor of one who is more willing to play. Take advantage of women’s constant jockeying for position and attention; believe me, they’re doing the same on the other end. If you follow these guidelines, you’ll be playing a much tighter game and operating in a more select space than the average Joe.
- The degree to which a man is devastated when a relationship ends is equal to the degree to which he has compromised his terms.
If you learn nothing else from this book, absorb this message. Men around the world are suffering because they don’t know or understand this one sentence. Maybe I should have said “heterosexual men,” but I think this applies to any partnership, really. The point is that women will test your boundaries in many ways you don’t even know. The more you give up against your better judgment the more hurt you’ll experience when you split. A very simple example is the guy who chases the hottie around town wining and dining her, buying trinkets, extending himself beyond his better judgment, all in an effort to please the insatiable appetite of his woman.
As she loses respect for him because he’s violating any sense of self-respect or personal/financial boundaries, she’ll have her eye out for the next Joe. She’ll Lilly-Pad (jump from one sucker to the next) and our poor sap will be alone and on the hook for who-knows-what. He’ll have “lost” (though he never had control of the situation, because he was out of control) the girl and he’ll be full of anger and regret. The problem with bending terms to please a girl is that both parties lose respect – the man for himself and the woman for the man. She senses, even if it’s subconsciously, that she can bend her man. Once she knows this, it’s over. She can’t fully surrender to his love, because she doesn’t trust him. His strength and integrity is questionable.
The man, for his part, is devastated with the outlays he made, whether they’re outlays of time, money, affection, vulnerability, or reputation. If he gave too much and the relationship ends (which it will) he will feel fully bankrupt because he’ll feel as though he gave everything and it was all for naught. He lost. He’s empty, done. Finished.
I think the reason I’m so rigid in my dating is that I take a risk on many women and I’d be crushed if I extended myself for each of them. Only after they’ve demonstrated their value to me do I open my wallet, make time, show affection, etc. I invite them to my home and those that comply get to know me; those that refuse get cut. It’s the only way to interact with many women and not get dragged around.
Living by uncompromising terms will empower you, I guarantee it. When I know what I want and what I will accept, it’s much easier to navigate the dating landscape. I can approach a woman with confidence, knowing that I’ll test her willingness and I will learn if she’s interested without giving up much on my end. The profound truth of this tenet can be seen in two ways – the despair of a bereft man after his woman leaves (he didn’t honor his terms) or my contentment, for example, when a really good-looking woman refuses to come into my apartment. She’s beautiful and she turns and walks, never to be seen again. Believe me, I would love a shot, but I have too much experience to imagine it will get better if I comply. I know her type. And, once I close the door, there’s a brief sting because I’m not going to be with that woman, but in a matter of seconds I’m over it. Why? Because I didn’t give up anything in a futile attempt to please her. She did all the leg-work. She came uptown and waited for me. She paid for the cab on her own. She got dolled up. She came up the stairs behind me to my door. The fact that she didn’t stay is unfortunate, but really, I was simply living my life and she was along for the ride. If I had been alone, I would have done nothing different. That’s another key point. No matter how hot you think some girl is, you’re better off just doing your routine and inviting her along for the ride. That is the true test of keeping your terms. Live you life as you wish and see if she sticks around. If she doesn’t, you will NEVER have a satisfying, functional relationship with the girl.
That is why I take such issue with the dating protocol. There exists some generic template for “date night” that doesn’t mimic most people’s average routine. In addition, how can a one-size-fits-all approach apply to all different types of people? Injecting couples into this mould of dinner and a movie tells us very little about these people. It circles back to the excerpt above about “forcing her out of her comfort zone.” I don’t mean push her down stairs, or turn up the thermostat to 120°F. I was indicating that a man should do what he pleases – he should lead the night as he would if he were alone or with a friend or lover; in other words, along his vision – and see how she responds. If there are problems when he’s in his natural operating state, how can we expect that they’ll ever work out? A stable relationship will develop only if she succeeds in changing him, which never happens.
The more you honor yourself, the less you’ll care if she leaves. Don’t spend more money than you want to, don’t forfeit opportunities you seek, don’t shirk responsibilities or short-change friends for your girl. Your relationship will last longer this way and if she does choose to leave (or you choose to leave her) you’ll be fully intact emotionally, financially, personally and spiritually.
Again, this is all about discipline. Why? Because women have an insane ability to test their men in every way. The testing begins on first contact when you’re getting her telephone number. It will continue indefinitely, but you can curtail it by demonstrating early on that she can’t affect you. In a way, it’s a form of stoicism. More simply, it’s a discipline that you need to exercise in the relationship, especially at key moments when she’s really intent on getting you to do something that you’d rather not do. That’s the key – the discipline allows you to maintain your independence, which, paradoxically, is what attracted her to you in the beginning. Maintain that masculine integrity and direction and she’ll admire you, fuck you and cease to test you at every juncture. She will trust you.
Phone Game & Volume Texting
You only need one tool as a player and that’s your cell phone. Everything will happen from that little device, so take care of it. More sex that you can imagine will flow from the circuitry of your mobile phone. I know it’s the single most crucial tool, because when mine died today on the subway, I was useless. I threw in the towel. There’s always the back up of pen and paper, but it makes the whole exchange awkward and obvious.
You’ll use your phone in the initial moments of the encounter, often to signal subconsciously your intent to take down her number. If it’s a crowded place and you feel she may not want to advertise the fact she’s giving you her number, then you need to have her whisper it to you. Girls love to do this. It has an illicit feel, and may actually be a bit dangerous if there’s a boyfriend nearby.
You’ll use the phone to send mass texts and then to work your phone game. Once a girl has committed to a meeting you’ll use the phone to watch for her arrival downstairs. As you can see, it’s a vital instrument. Make sure yours in durable and that you have good reception in your apartment, which is an obvious point, but I just upgraded and my phone is so fickle and the reception frustratingly weak. I have a land line, but that’s for long calls to close people in my life (and businesses that seem intent on putting me on hold or through automated menus).
All my game goes through my phone. One note that I’ll return to when I discuss closing is that you have to make sure you know how to silence your phone. This is important if you’re double or triple booking because when a girl is over getting your intense attention, you don’t want the phone ringing or vibrating. It will disturb your moves and it won’t take long for her to realize that since you’ve had an exclusively text-based relationship with her, the incoming texts are probably from other girls in line (which they are).
Also, if you really want to put yourself on industrial footing, you should inquire which phones have the longest “add recipients” list. My phone lets me add 10 girls at a time, which means six annoying cycles if I want to blast 60 girls. And, as you’ll learn, on about cycle two or three the first girls start responding so you’re dealing with incomings while you’re trying to get the message out. I’m sure there are phones that allow for unlimited group texting – I’ll look into it.
So as you build your inventory of numbers, you’ll need to learn the art of texting. The first rule is to send out a blast with something that sounds personal like, “How you enjoying this beautiful day, babe? You’ll get back a stream of texts over the next few hours. They’ll break down into several categories:
Who is this?
Hey, yeah it’s nice out.
What are you doing?
Learning how to manage your female inventory will determine how well you do as a single man. It all comes down to this because you won’t have further physical contact with these women unless you can get them to meet. It’s nice to establish a bit of a text rapport with these women, on a two day cycle. Just say hi, comment on the weather, ask them what they’re doing, etc. Keep it light and casual.
A challenge is to move beyond the telemarketer paradigm. As you get a nice stock of numbers, you’ll start to find that some don’t respond to your mass texts, or respond intermittingly. For these women, you’ve become a telemarketer. Their POV is that some guy they met briefly is texting them a bland message a few times a week. They may not even read them. These are likely goners, but you can recover a few using customization. For those girls you remember as particularly sexy, flirty, curvy, fun, etc. make the effort to craft a personalized message such as, “Christy, how did the manicure go? I bet those beautiful hands of yours are looking quite fine!” or something equally unique. She may still not respond, but at least your message will register as directed only to her. Pique her interest just a bit and you’re on your way to getting her to commit to meeting for a drink.
Once you’ve got a nice group of female text partners you can start looking to the week ahead. Get a planner. Every night you should be booking at least two girls, one at 9, and one at 10. Send out a text the day-of. For example, if you want to see the girls on Tuesday, send out a text Tuesday at noon saying, “Let’s grab a drink tonight…” Ellipses are a very helpful way to suggest an ongoing conversation…
A few of the girls will be available that night; many won’t. The ones who give you lip such as, “Didn’t your mother teach you to give a girl proper notice?”, can be fun to tease, but if you sense a serious tone they’re probably difficult women, and I’d avoid them, or give them some witty comeback. The ones who say yeah, sure, book them right then. Here’s an actual example of a girl from today:
ME: Let’s grab a drink tonight (50+)
NICOLE: Sounds good… Can we meet on the later side?
ME: Yes. 930?
NICOLE: Ok great where shall we go?
ME: Meet me at 68th and Madison and we’ll figure out.
NICOLE: Ok I’ll meet you there at 930?
I met her an hour ago. She wouldn’t come up, so I walked her a block to a bench and talked to get a better feel (it was a nice night out and I needed to take the garbage down). I told her after fifteen minutes that we wanted different things and sent her on her way. Learn to do this right so you aren’t spending your own money. She was nice, so I didn’t feel right telling her to get lost – she’d come several miles and was all done-up. But, upon closer examination I wasn’t that sexually interested. And, I had another two girls – one I’ve already fucked, another who’s a good prospect – lined up if I had wanted it.
As the example above makes clear, it’s possible, in as little as four texts, to transition a girl from a random setting (I met her last week smoking a cigarette outside a restaurant downtown) to my door at no cost or hassle to myself. You don’t need to do anything cute here. Just get her to the door. Now you have choices – you can take her out on a date, or you can bring her in and get to work on some lovemaking.
Three words on calling girls: don’t do it. Negotiate everything over text. If she doesn’t have a cell phone (foreigners) move on, it’s not worth it.
Note: Make sure you change to a plan with unlimited text messages as soon as you recognize your game is starting to improve. If you don’t, you’ll blow through standard packages and bankrupt yourself.
The 11% Rule
You may find your results differ, but in two independent data sets (mine and that of a friend) the following rule holds: I fuck 11% of the girls whose number I get. I work hard and “number close” a hundred girls and I’m rewarded with sex with eleven of them. By the way, the number seems to hold over a large sample size, so my advice is get the numbers of the hottest girls you can, because it makes no difference: you’ll still fuck 11% of them.
What do we make of this number, eleven? It’s just barely a double-digit figure. In some situations, 11% is a poor showing. Getting an eleven on a math test is abysmal. However, an 11% return on an investment isn’t terrible, if economic conditions are rough. A defect rate at a Toyota plant of 11% wouldn’t be acceptable. So it’s the context that’s important. 11% may seem low at first blush, but it’s actually quite a strong number. Once you get your game strong and resilient, you’ll attempt to meet almost every cute girl that crosses the transom. If you live in a target-rich environment, like a big city, you’ll probably cross forty cute girls a day. You can see where this is going…
To illustrate, I’ll take a look at my week just passed. I had sex with 5 girls from Friday to Wednesday night. Very strong, even by my standards. 4 were new, one a repeat. Where did I meet them? One at a lounge months ago and she’s been out of town, busy, yadda, yadda. Finally, it happened. She was on her period, so it was a bloodbath. Good sex, though. The next one I met down the street during the lunch break in a retail area. She was eager, but a tease. She got it, though. The next was a girl I’ve been seeing casually for a month, or so. I met her in a church, believe it or not. And she’s a real little maniac. The fourth was a girl I met sitting near a fountain listening to music while she contemplated a job search. She came over but it was a false start; two days later we met and it was on. Great sex, 22 year-old Filipina/German. She felt amazing. Wednesday I slept with a British-born Southern woman. I met her on the subway a week earlier.
Writing this now, it’s more evident than ever that a player needs time. I have an efficient system, but I still need time to accommodate false starts, teases, and general logistics. I mention these women to show you the diversity of places I meet them and I’m sure if I ran the regression analysis, I’d find that I’d picked-up 45 girls to enjoy these 5 on my terms. What happened to the rest of the girls?
The break-down of pick-ups, at least in Manhattan, looks like this:
2 girls either don’t respond to texts or fall off after three or four ping-pongs. We never meet.
4 girls continue to text but always have an excuse why they can’t meet: girlfriend’s birthday party, “at dinner”, can’t leave roommates, have to wake up early… These types often want you to come out to meet them. Don’t fall for that; you’ll get sucked into a vortex of female group dynamics that will kill your game. Effectively, they don’t want to meet. These are the most frustrating, and often are quite hot. I still get bogged down in this sometimes. Careful!
The remaining 4 will meet on my terms: at my house, after 9PM, alone.
1 comes over and doesn’t play. The conditions are ideal but she’s hung up on some nonsense and won’t let herself enjoy the encounter. Reasons include: “I don’t know you”, her period, can’t stay long, etc.
1 or 2 will give me head but not sex.
1 or 2, I’ll fuck.
This is a rough template of what you can expect when you’re at the top of your game. And this, of course is without spending a nickel, or doing much more than chatting for a few seconds and then texting at various points through the day.
Here’s one more thing that’s worth considering. I said it may have taken me 45 “number closes” to fuck 5 girls. Arguably, I’m leaving a lot on the table. Other guys may deem it worthwhile to handle each number with kid gloves and respect the delicate sensibilities of the girls and woo them in. Maybe. I have a friend who takes a slightly more personal approach; I’m more industrial. Interestingly, we have the same ratio, tested over both our considerable sample sizes: 11%.
On the front end, 45 number closes are easy in the course of a week. They wouldn’t have been in the beginning, but now with my game so tight I can accomplish that over the course of the week just running errands and getting coffee and grocery shopping. If each one takes about a minute, that’s less than an hour of work to fuck 5 girls. Most guys put in more than an hour on a first date with some chick and they may not even fuck her. Granted, there’s the time need for text follow-up but that’s fun (usually), it can be done anywhere and it’s a process that’s dynamic, meaning I sense pretty quickly which ones will play and I don’t spend much time on the duds.
Pick your strategy. I’ve settled on this right now because it’s the most powerful game I’ve seen. And I’ve run with some strong players here in NYC.
Much has been made of my purported Excel spreadsheet. The origins of the document are interesting, as well as my justification for using it. So, here goes…
I was driving cross-country in the summer of 2001 with a close friend and we hit a stretch of prairie land in Montana or Idaho. As the undulating fields kept coming and the stretch of highway continued diminishing in the distance, the topic of past loves came up. Part of the reason was that I was making an impromptu circuit of past girlfriends. It was a turning point in my life – I was 26 and had just left a collapsed internet business – and I was returning to Boston with no real plan but a vague sense I wanted to both finish my university degree and finally escape the gravity of New England. I eventually did both.
On this tour of ex-girlfriends I’d seen my pregnant high school love who was finishing her medical residency. I was soon to stop and see my Mormon ex in Idaho who took my virginity and was now a convicted felon unable to cross state lines, thus relegated to a Midwestern existence. She was pursuing her nursing degree and was just as reckless and fun as ever. In the course of our meandering, Tim and I got on the topic of numbers – who we’d shagged, who got away and if we could recall all our exploits. I scribbled as he drove. Out of that moment of inspiration came a short list – maybe 30 girls – that I had been with. About a sixth were relationships, with one-offs and vacation affairs sprinkled in. I was tormenting by a nagging suspicion that I’d forgotten one or two names in the fog of memory. To this day, I think there is probably an ex-Janka lover who has remained forever anonymous because she’s avoided this now nationally-know document.
I kept this scrap of paper and when I did return to Harvard that fall, I quickly entered the names on the computer. I chose a spreadsheet over a Word document because the spreadsheet has cells that are numbered and names can easily be entered, moved and amended. My motives were neither calculating nor nefarious. Over time, it seemed responsible to update the document as women came and went. It grew slowly over the subsequent months because I had a girlfriend, but my last month in Boston was fruitful. I hit the ground running in 2002 when I landed in NYC. The rate of entries accelerated. The list grew.
In 2005, 06, and 07, the list sputtered, populated only by the occasional “pass” that Annie granted. Since November the velocity of names hitting the sheet has been impressive. Then again, my full arsenal of skills is now at my disposal. I’ve become an unapologetic playboy.
So that’s the origin of the “spreadsheet.” It has an appropriate name, as well. This was kindly pointed out by a female critic.
On to justification… Rather than let the names and memories fade into oblivion, isn’t it more honorable to preserve them? I function as an archivist of my own sex life. In a way, it could be seen as flattering to have your name affixed permanently to a document that has a certain sanctity. I respect the spreadsheet, and after every encounter I dutifully return to it, update and save it. I entered 144 last night – a leggy Thai girl that is a beautiful combination of sweetheart and vixen: the ideal feminine balance.
In a way, I’m sure many of us memorialize past lovers. Some guys keep a “little black book” or an address book. Maybe they actually put a notch in their bedpost – though I have a loft bed without posts, and I’m not about to write on the wall. Some claim to put a notch in their belt. At $150 a pop, I’m not damaging any of my Italian leather belts. It seems to me that in this day-and-age of digital technology (and cheap memory) it makes perfect sense to document my adventures with a Microsoft product.
Food (or, Keeping Your Energy Up)
As I made clear in Meeting Women in NYC, dinner is anathema to sex. That’s not to say that once you’re in a relationship a romantic dinner with candlelight and wine can’t lead to a night of passionate lovemaking. In the beginning, however, it’s better to avoid food if you want to establish a sexual dynamic with your girl. There are many reasons for this, among them the fact that big meals make people feel unsexy, bloated and needing to take a shit. Also, it sets up a poor reward mechanism, to put it bluntly. Buying a girl dinner and giving her two hours of your time before she’s demonstrated sexual interest and before you both have explored chemistry is a bad strategic decision. In theory, you could buy dozens of dinners for women, with no positive sexual result. In that scenario, you’re simply subsidizing female eating costs.
Getting away for a minute from the dinner paradigm, let’s examine what you should be eating a) before going out to pick up some girls and b) before making your move. These are guidelines, rather than hard and fast rules, so I encourage experimentation around the edges.
If you decide to spend hours on the street performing with your wingman, you’re going to need energy. It may sound like easy work, casually walking around and hitting on girls, but it’s not. It’s very draining because it’s performance and the one or two minutes you’re fully engaged require everything from you. When you approach and engage an attractive – possibly impenetrable – girl, you’re going to need to have all your psychological and emotional energies focused to make a good impression, buffer against failure, stand your ground and tolerate the stares or guffaws of passersby. Of course, it gets infinitely easier once you’ve gotten the hang of it, but it’s work building your game and keeping composure. Actors will tell you how draining it is to perform because it requires such an intense focus and full presence. Street game is high-level performance and it takes a toll on body and mind, like any peak performance.
To keep your body fueled, you’re going to need complex carbohydrates and plenty of hydration. Sugary foods will cause an energy spike and then drop you flat. And when you’re flat, you won’t get any numbers. As many “gurus” will explain, you need to enter a cold interaction with a good amount of energy – either displayed or restrained – so the woman feels something from you. You’ll also need to approach confidently, piercing through any fear of possible rejection. These two obstacles – her expectation of strong energy and your fear of rejection – are going to be insurmountable if your energy is flagging. You’ll throw in the towel and wish to retreat to the comfort of your couch and remote. I’ve been there. Unfortunately, a few hours later, when you’ve relaxed, you’ll have no date options.
I’ve been out with my wingman several times when my energy has fallen off. He senses it and, being a good team player, gets me to a bodega immediately for three key ingredients: Clif Bar©, odwalla VANILLA AL’MONDO soymilk shake and a small bottle of water. Eat the bar and drink the whole shake. Walk a bit and then start sipping the water. This combination is tried and true and won’t slow you down to shit or make you feel “full” but it will give you a huge, sustained energy boost. I discuss it on the Dr. Phil show, actually.
After eating this combo, you’ll feel a strong lift and you’ll have a lot of energy – energy you can direct in a positive way to bring attractive women into your reality. And stay hydrated. I sometimes cheat or augment this system with a cup of coffee to get a little pick-up. I find walking the streets of Manhattan the perfect blend of conversation (with my buddy), exercise (we may cover five of six miles) and entertainment (people-watching and pick-up). Some people like to veg-out in front of the TV – for me a stroll and a chat is the best pastime.
What about when you’re waiting at your crib and she’s on her way? I’d advise the same thing, or perhaps carrots and some almonds. And water. Always water. You’ll need to keep drinking so you don’t get parched as you spit your rap. If you do it right, she’ll be doing most of the talking, but then maybe she’ll need a sip.
Things to avoid are big meals and garlic or other pungent foods. What you want in the final stages of the game, as you’re making your move, is something to give you enough energy to remain horny and focused (if you get too hungry you’ll start thinking of food and lose interest in the girl) but that doesn’t make a mess. It also has to be something that’s relative inconspicuously to consume. You don’t want to create an “eating” vibe when the candles are going and the music is playing and you’re trying to get her in the mood.
Maybe since I don’t drink, I don’t have the benefit of alcohol in the belly which may curb appetite. I do know that I can easily get hungry if I’m chatting with a girl in my apartment for 45 minutes and I haven’t had dinner or had it long ago. But, suggesting a meal out or getting a bunch of messy food down from the fridge will change the vibe and it may be hard to refocus it on sex. As I’ve said before, women usually don’t mind postponing sex and are also looking to disqualify men, so shifting from a sex mode to an eating mode is a standard way to cockblock yourself.
Interestingly, and I’m no biologist so this is merely anecdotal, there seems to be a mechanism that curbs appetite once a man or a woman becomes sexually aroused. As a friend of mine often says, “If they’re hungry they can eat, or they can have sex. Either will satisfy the appetite.” In practice, it may be a bit harder to convince a girl who’s hungry to lie down and undress but I’ve done it. A meal is always more satisfying after sex, anyhow.
Double and Triple Booking – Benefits and Pitfalls
To implement the “Next!” paradigm, of course, you need contingency plans. Since you don’t know how your first girl is going to respond, it helps to have something lined up on the backend. Lining up girls at say 7PM, 9PM and 11PM has benefits but things can also backfire.
If a guy has skills, a two hour block of time is sufficient to see if the girl is willing to play. The advantage here is obvious: if the first doesn’t play, you have a fresh start in a few minutes. It also adds a psychological element that is not obvious. If a guy knows he has three fish to eat, if the first one’s rotten, he can toss the whole carcass – he doesn’t need to try to suck the “good” meat off the bones. It’s the same thing with women. If she’s all you’re looking at for the night, you may not bring strong game because you’re living in fear. What if she walks out? Then I’m alone tonight and it’s a Saturday!
So, get around that by overbooking. It will allow you to move forward confidently, not overly worried if she’ll get offended or put off. I’m not suggesting you act like a brute (not to mention the legal implications), but as men we need a rebuttal to the classic female POV that, “Since I have the pussy, I make the rules!” Bullshit. Line up plenty of women so that if she’s being difficult you can get rid of her.
The tactical elements of double- and triple-booking are crucial. Line them up to arrive at your place, and space them out by 2 hours. You’re going to sit tight and have them come and demonstrate their value-proposition. This is called turning-the-tables; most dating protocol is designed to have the man demonstrate his value to the woman. Inherent in that paradigm is that she’s in a superior position. That’s not true at all, so don’t reinforce that structure.
So you’ve booked the dates by text. 7:07 the first one shows. You invite her up, the mood is relaxed, the lighting mellow, and the music suggestive (see Castle and Kingdom). She comes up and you work your magic. Make her laugh, show her a photo album, get the hug in. All the moves are working in your favor, but then you hit a wall: she clearly doesn’t want to play. It’s 8:43. Wrap it up in a friendly tone (she may come back because your integrity is still intact. It will be something unusual for her, to have a guy who’s clearly interested cutting the line so early because he doesn’t like the pacing. Another counter-intuitive gem!). Let her out and once she’s gone straighten up the place, splash you face with water and get ready for audition #2. Ironically, you’ll be in a better position with the second girl, because you’re “warmed up.” You’ll have a confidence, and cocky distance that the second girl won’t be able to put her finger on, but she’ll feel that you’re a man who has options and that it’s her privilege to be spending time with you. Repeat with #3, if necessary.
More likely than going into #3 is that you’re making progress with the second girl and now you’ve got a different type of problem, one borne out of success. The clock ticks on… 10:15… your hand is down her pants…10:34…she’s topless and straddling you…10:51, she’s jerking you off. Clearly, something’s going to hit the fan. You have to excuse yourself to the bathroom or somewhere and text this last girl that some emergency has come up. In my experience, you’ll have a hard time booking this girl again, because of A Little Thing Called Women’s Pride. But, it may be nice to let her know you won’t be there, if for no other reason than you don’t want her buzzing your door or calling your phone incessantly while you’re in the throes of a toe-curling blow-job.
Now, on to… Money!
We’re all fascinated by this fundamental unit of modern capitalist society. It takes on a particularly pivotal role in the dating world. I imagine everyone reading this has their opinions about the role of money in male/female interactions. No doubt it plays a huge part – or at least the appearance of money does. I’ll get to that in a moment.
Let me first tackle some legitimate objections sure to be raised by young players of modest means. Of course, a guy with money has an undeniable advantage, there’s no getting around that. Women, even self-supporting ones, like the idea of their man being a capable hunter, that he brings home the bacon. And, in a more practical sense, money can create the conditions conducive to sleeping with many hot women. If that’s your play, get to work right now, invest wisely, and don’t get married. And read the tips in the guide, because they’ll bring your game to a new level.
Smoking-hot gold-diggers buzz around the moneyed set like so many moths, particularly in a metropolitan city like NYC. And, they are often the sexiest, hottest, most stylish girls around. It’s easy to get jealous of these men, who shamelessly use money to attract women. We all know that women are turned on by power, one manifestation of which is money and the ability to support a woman in grand style.
There’s also the practical matter for many of these hotties of supporting themselves. If they’re from poor international countries and they haven’t a marketable skill set, a man of resources is necessary. The alternative is direct prostitution. So, plenty very hot, unskilled women need a man’s income stream or they’ll have to go back from whence they came.
Let’s examine the life a rich guy, who made his own money (we’ll get to his trust-fund counterpart in a moment). Having gone to Harvard, I’m friends with both types and I can offer you some comforting insights. First, men who work hard in business – on Wall Street, for example – log big hours. They are always at the office and working on some deal or stressing on some task that must get done. Sure, when they relax and have time to handle the logistics, they can organize women at a level the Average Joe cannot. Who else is buying $3000 bottles of Cristal on a Saturday night? Or booking a weekend trip to Miami with suites for all their buddies at the Delano? Women love this type of pampering, and you need the cash to play.
I worked for four years in that world, at three different hedge funds. Many of my friends live in that world. I can tell you, the rule is that these men work hard, long hours and they don’t chase much tail, at all. After a 15 hour day, they want to come home and sleep, maybe with a girlfriend who can provide easy comfort and a few laughs. Most of these men have girlfriends or wives who are not the vixens of our fantasies… Part of the reason the hard-working guy’s life is incompatible with the life of a player is that he’s perennially exhausted and doesn’t have the energy or interest to bullshit a 24 year-old for an hour on a Wednesday night, trying to seduce her into bed. He’s impatient and this ego won’t let him spend that much time trying to win the affections of a knucklehead. Also, he doesn’t necessarily have strong game.
The second reason these men don’t play the field as much as you think is that once they’ve made a few million, they become suspicious of females, and rightly so: “Are the girls really laughing at my joke, or do they just love eating at Per Se, for $500 a head?” The irony of this approach (make the money, get the girl) is that once he’s made the money through considerable work and admirable discipline, he may come to doubt people’s intentions. It’s a grand irony, but unavoidable: like a girl who wears a plunging neckline and then suspects that men only want her for sex. And of course, what man wants to waste money on floozies when he’s worked so hard to make it.
$3000 for a bottle, come on!
The inherited-wealth crowd faces a different prospect. Maybe they’ve got a fund that spits off money like water and they can party at RoseBar till 4AM and then wake at noon for lunch at Le Bilboquet. Fair enough, and a hot 24-year-old would love that life, if she’s not serious about her work (or even if she is). But the trustafarians have a different challenge that derives from the source of their income: family. Daddy has set-up something nice for little William, but that doesn’t mean William can fuck-off and bang young models indefinitely. There’s the family business to learn, the right woman to court, the appropriate society parties to attend and the wedding to virginal Suzy to plan. I see it among my friends in this category: eventually the burden of family expectation breaks the will to party. They must fall into line and accept the mantle of family responsibility. And playing the field doesn’t go with this “respectable” lifestyle. Even at the height of their game, most of these guys have to play with a set of supplemental rules that dictate who and in what manner they may date.
So, there you have it. There’s really no free lunch.
If it’s not money, what’s the commodity that most benefits a player? Time.
I have a friend who’s the owner of a high-end reclaimed lumber business in Portland, Oregon. He’s making more money than he’s ever seen. Has it affected his game? Marginally, but the responsibilities of the business mean he has less time to meet and entertain females. Though he still does fine, he used to really clean up as a charmer. He told me the other day during a stroll that it’s clear to him that time, not money, is necessary to meet and sleep with many attractive women. Time is something I’ve had for a long time and I agree. The hustle of meeting, communicating and “dating” women is time consuming. I’ve pared it down to a science, but still I log plenty of hours on the street, texting and chatting with females back at my apartment. It so happens that I have enough money to do what I want and I enjoy the hustle. Also, for me, walking is a superb way of experiencing the world and it’s great exercise!
So, if your goal is to meet and sleep with lots of women while you’re still young, don’t think working in some office for years is the answer. A schedule that allows for you to spend time where the women are is the best plan.
How to Spend the Money You Do Have Towards Getting Laid
If you’re like almost all men, you’re restricted in what you can spend. $200 for dinner, drinks, dessert and the opera is $200 you can’t spend on that ski trip with your buddies. Assuming you have some money to allocate to your dating life, I suggest spending it on “durable goods.” This means things that you will use on a recurring basis, such as clothing, accessories, rent to live in a decent part of town where there’s good female foot traffic. You can read my initial piece, Meeting Women in NYC, to understand why dinner is a lost cause (statistically speaking). Other ways to waste money include expensive first-date activities: opera, plays, ballet, other ticketed events, etc.
You’re better off spending that money on looking your best and creating an environment that’s conducive to getting laid. Maybe that means buying a comfy daybed so you don’t have to make the obvious gesture towards the bedroom. I have a friend who’s incredibly successful with women and he does most of work on the daybed. They sit on it to relax and converse and then he moves over, cuddles with them and then takes it to the hoop. No awkward negotiation about getting her into the bedroom. That psychology hump is a pitfall on the first date because it really signals to the girl: CAREFUL! YOU’RE ABOUT TO SLEEP WITH THIS GUY. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THAT?
The beauty of durable goods is that they perform consistently. You can talk your way around not going to dinner, or taking her on some fabulous date, but your beautiful Prada shirt or Gucci loafers communicate on a level that speaks volumes about your taste, social class, style and sexiness. You’ll feel better wearing your best and you’ll make an impression that goes right to the heart of her attraction to you.
How do we, as men, shrug off the societal burden of paying for dates? The simple answer is to spend time with your woman alone in your house. I live near Central Park, so in the summer I can take them for a walk through the gardens. My position against paying for a girl until she’s proven her interest by sleeping with me (and also the situation becomes much more relaxed after sex) is supported by a recent article in the New York Times (August 3, 2007) that demonstrates, based on Census data, that women in the decade after college now make more, on average, than do men. So, those twenty-four-year-olds we all love are making – on average – enough money to pay their way. Granted, I’m older, and fall outside the demographic, but the point remains: men are today on their weakest economic footing vis-à-vis women.
A Final Note: Money has Universal Value, Hot Chicks Do Not.
As men, we imagine that beautiful women have it easy – that doors open for them wherever they hope to tread. Not so. It’s true that a beautiful woman has many options and that she is often handled with a grace not afforded her more homely sisters. But, think about it this way: the beauty of a monetary system is that any holder of cash can exchange his money for what he wants: a couch, sack of beans, a Maybach, a box of toothpicks. This property of a good is called fungibility:
Main Entry: fungible, Function: adjective, Etymology: New Latin fungibilis, from Latin fungi to perform — more at function, Date: 1818
1: being of such a nature that one part or quantity may be replaced by another equal part or quantity in the satisfaction of an obligation <oil, wheat, and lumber are fungible commodities>
Money is fundamentally fungible; it evolved for that express purpose. A beautiful woman, on the other hand, has great, but not universal, value. To a hungry, seventy-two-year-old hunched-back woman, the young girl is meaningless. To a throat cancer patient in need of a tracheotomy, the beautiful girl offers little hope (but maybe some relief!). The point is that cash has far more utility than the sexual offerings (both abstract and concrete) of a gorgeous girl. Just ask a John after he’s finished with a prostitute. This is a secret men don’t know and women guard preciously. A beautiful woman, if she’s nothing more to offer, is useless in many situations. Just rent the original, Italian-language Swept Away to learn more…
Guard your money, men!