Now, a Word or Two on Approaches…
Any time a woman engages you and it’s not part of her job take a shot. She’s doing this for a reason. A woman will never engage a guy in whom she’s not interested unless a) it’s part of her job responsibility or b) she’s desperate for some kind of help. Most daily interactions aren’t in category b) so if a stranger asks for the time, directions, your opinion on something, etc., she wants to have a conversation. Don’t leave money on the table. The easiest women to meet are those who want to meet you!
The best time to approach a new girl is immediately after parting with one with whom you’ve just had sex.
Your peak mojo occurs right after fucking a hot girl whom you’ve never fucked before. You may still smell of sex and you certainly have pheromones swirling around your body. You are at your strongest, most unshakeable at this moment. Go get some new women! They don’t stand a chance against you. If you truly want to play the field, get rid of the first one and move into hunter mode. You’ll roam the plains like never before. You can still spit relaxed, casual game, but because of the sex you’ve just had you’ll project an intoxicating mix of confidence, self-sufficiency and cockiness that women will find irresistible.
Words Three and Four on Approaches…
The two challenges all hustlers face are establishing credibility and creating intrigue. For a woman, the dream situation is one is which she feels safe and excited at the same time. If you understand this simple truth, your success with women will skyrocket. It’s like riding a rollercoaster at the theme park: you know that you won’t get hurt because of all the safety measures, but you also know that the ride will be thrilling. Even as children we understand this dynamic duo of safety and excitement.
One without the other is no good. If something is really titillating but apparently dangerous, such as following a tall, dark and handsome stranger down a dark alley for a possible sexual encounter, a woman (unless she’s crazy) will decline. On the other hand, plenty of women enter into “safe” relationships and marriages with a good, wholesome guy only to get bored out of their minds within months. Some trudge on with reset expectations; others break it off, looking for a little danger. Of course, the ideal combination is the guy who can create a feeling of ultimate security while at the same time taking the girl on a thrilling and unpredictable ride. It’s that dynamic that forces her to draw closer to the man as she yearns for his anchoring stability in the storm of excitement. All the seduction/love/relationship guides counsel some version of this.
Your challenge then becomes, in the first minute, to establish both credibility and a sense of intrigue. The credibility component is done chiefly by anchoring yourself to something valuable or legitimate. I often mention casually that I live in the neighborhood since it’s so expensive that only someone with their shit together could get a lease around here. If you’re dressed well, that goes a long way, too, because she’ll assume (consciously of subconsciously) that you’re put together. A business card can work wonders, but I don’t carry one and it brings with it attendant problems: she’ll just take that and say, “I’ll call you.” Or, the conversation can get bogged down in what you do for work or where you work, which isn’t interesting, no matter what you think.
A constrained time-frame (“I have to run, but…”) works to both the credibility and intrigue elements, because it a) indicates your time is valuable and hence valuable to others because you have somewhere to be b) doesn’t give her enough time to make a call – she wants more exposure. So, knowing how to walk away from the interaction before it goes flat is an important skill. Other things that can build intrigue: scruff (“No office job?”), the fact that you’re free on a weekday afternoon (because you should be working; are you independently wealthy?), not looking back after the interaction, but just continuing off into the distance.
What Killed the Samurai? Hesitation.
Whenever you enter a restaurant, walk on a bus, turn a corner, or step on the subway walk right over to the hottest girl and say hi. Never stop to evaluate. If you can sit next to her, that’s the best. This direct, unthinking approach accomplishes a number of things: your directness demonstrates your confidence, which is very attractive (fortune favors the bold), your focus won’t allow your mind to talk you out of the approach because it won’t have time, and your momentum will be carried into the conversation as a force of purpose. All these things can accomplish for you what you can’t accomplish alone. Try it. Then get back to me at email@example.com. An inspired entrance is hard to argue with – ask any stage performer. Engaging her immediately clears all the hurdles that prevent other men from meeting the woman they’d like to meet. Once the conversation has started (which is when she has said at lease one word back) it will flow…
Example: crowded NYC bus
ME: Cute boots, but watch yourself. These seats are demarcated. I don’t want you crossing your legs over into my area.
HER: (laughing) I won’t, don’t worry.
ME: Not that you don’t have nice legs. Under different circumstance you could drape them all over the place…
HER: (raising an eyebrow) Oh yeah?
ME: Sure. I have an open-leg policy… (looking her up and down)…. You’d qualify.
option a) How far up you going? (to gauge how much time I have)
option b) You like these crowded buses, huh? I’m a subway guy.
option c) You in this seat every Thursday at… (looking at my cell phone)… 3:23?
A strong approach can do more for you than even the best player’s rap if he’s coming from an awkward, weak position (ex. having stared at her for two minutes prior). This opening move is a gimme, so don’t waste it. You only have one chance to make a first impression.
“Is She with Him?”
Maybe, maybe not. Remember that the particular circumstances surrounding a “pick-up” are fleeting. Whatever the configuration of people, the way they’re sitting – if they’re in a group, standing close, etc. – that has no bearing on your next contact with the girl. So, don’t be intimidated by the particulars of a specific situation. Remember: if you do not get her phone number you will never have another chance with this human being. The stakes couldn’t be higher; don’t let the fact that she’s standing next to some dude dissuade you.
And here’s a doozy: Many times out of ten the hot girl with the guy is available; the guy isn’t fucking her, though he dreams of it. Of course, you need to be delicate and discriminating in these situations. If they’re holding hands or kissing, then they’re together. If the guy is a muscle-bound Guido with tattoos and jewelry, I’d say, generally speaking, tread lightly or avoid. A proven way to engage her is to approach both of them. If you engage both of them on a general topic – like directions – the guy can’t justifiably get angry. Hopefully, in that twenty-second exchange you’ll be able to determine if they’re together. You can always ask, as well. A man will usually be proud to lay claim to “his girl.” He won’t take offense; rather, his ego and pride will swell.
Often though, the guy hanging around is gay, a “buddy,” or a guy who has romantic intentions but whose game is so weak that she either doesn’t know his intentions or isn’t interested. If you get a signal that she’s single or things seem ambiguous you can step up the verbal game. Asking if they’re together – prefaced by a comment like, “I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, but I couldn’t tell from a distance if you were friends or a couple…” – forces her to clarify the relationship. The guy may wish he was her man, but unless that’s actually true, the woman will not label herself as “taken.” As a general rule, the hotter the woman, the more this holds true. Sexy women like to have male attention (and dollars) and they almost always have a dude in tow. If it looks like they’re just friends, they most likely are. Of course the guy wants to fuck her, but what’s he going to say when you engage her? He’ll offend her by making a premature claim of ownership, and he knows this, so move in. There’s a reason he hasn’t fucked her yet.
The “1-Minute” Movie Trailer Concept
Why are movie trailers so short? Why are they a minute and not five? Or, why not simply ten seconds? Market researches have spent lots of time and money figuring the ideal time to expose a cold prospect to a new movie idea. This has been studied, I’m sure, for years and these professional marketers have realized that too long and you bore the audience (or worse show them something about the upcoming movie that ruins it for them or turns them off), too short and the audience can’t form a cohesive picture of the film.
Your street game consists of nothing more than your movie trailer.
Keep it tight and keep it short. Like anything that takes skill, you’re game will get better with more practice. Here’s what you want to accomplish in the 45 seconds, in descending order of importance:
Get her phone number
End it before she wants to.
Get her name
Mention something noteworthy, like that you live in the neighborhood.
Give her your name.
Though it’s the most obvious point, many guys don’t quite get it: if you don’t get her phone number you have nothing. Let me repeat that: if you don’t get her phone number you have nothing. The exception is if you live in Small Town, KS, population 32, but then you don’t need this literature and you’re probably married. The point is, if you don’t get the phone number to follow-up, the meeting doesn’t matter. She’ll forget about you in three steps, especially if she’s good-looking. Email doesn’t count, because she’s inserting layers in the communication process for no reason (i.e. she’s a pain in the ass and is either not interested, or an idiot) and giving your phone number is nothing, either. I mentioned earlier that both of these come from personal experience: I have never connected with a woman who has insisted on taking my phone number when it’s perfectly convenient for me to take hers. The exception to this rule is when circumstances prevent the two of you from talking: she’s on a date, she’s giving a talk, she’s working, etc. Sliding your card to her may work in these instances, provided there’s clear interest on her part.
Surprisingly, this is the only crucial step in the process; you can recover or build all the other stuff later over text or in your apartment, when she’s close to you. Ending it on a confident note and moving on (not looking back) is the second most important thing. This is obvious human psychology: if you’re in a rush somewhere you are indicating that others value your time and that she is a part – though, small – of your day. Women like men who are going somewhere, figuratively and literally. So, keep it moving. Also, standing energy isn’t great, so it’s better that things remain kinetic. Motion is central to a player’s game – the approach, the body language while engaged and the exit. Stagnation is not attractive.
Her name is helpful so you can record her in your phonebook, with a little detail: Jenn boots or Amy coffee. Planting an intriguing seed is good too, but don’t try too hard, they smell it. Offhandedly mentioning that you live around the corner may make them feel that you’re a “local” and not so much of a stranger.
But…Why Not Stay Longer to Build Rapport?
I have fall-off in my street numbers, so naturally it’s occurred to me that maybe I’m not making enough of a positive impression on that initial contact. I have a good friend across the Park who is a sublime player and he experiences the same thing: great chat on the street, the girl is into it and fun, she gives the number readily and then….nothing. Or a couple of back-and-forths and then radio silence.
Because we’re both so analytic and dissect each step of this process, we’ve naturally asked if there’s something to do on the front end to minimize our loss ratio. The short answer is no. It’s part of the game. Any playboy will tell you it’s a numbers game, and volume is your friend, for many reasons. Part of the explanation lies in a central tenet of game, as it’s professionally played:
- You never get credit for playing by their rules.
There are many examples of this, such as going out to dinner, stopping by to “meet their friends,” buying her shit, etc. And a key one for your game is that standing around chatting for an extra five minutes (not to mention thirty minutes) when you first meet will rarely have a downstream effect. That’s because women put men in categories: stranger, friend, guy they’ve slept with, boyfriend, etc. For our purpose the categories that matter are “stranger” and “guy they’ve slept with” and getting from one to the other as fast as possible.
Take my word for it since I’ve spent years doing the research (or do it yourself and waste time): you will gain nothing by talking longer and possibly you’ll torpedo the opportunity. Once you’ve gotten her number, move on. First of all, it’s likely that you’ll say something that works against you. The “stranger” light is blinking in her head and plenty can disqualify you. If you’ve got the number, you’ve already been qualified – what more do you want? As I’ve said, women travel this world looking for reasons to disqualify otherwise decent men. If she’s given you the digits, you’re done for the moment. Save that funny line you’re dying to use.
The other reason to move on is that there are other girls around, and since it’s a numbers game, you need to get to work. On a good day, I may get seven numbers of women I think are quite attractive. I’ve found that I sleep with 11% of the women whose numbers I get (more on this later). That breaks down to two girls for every three days of numbers, more-or-less.
But back to the categories in women’s heads. They’re like bins, these categories. And what I’ve found is that you can’t move from stranger to intimate or even friend/acquaintance by bullshitting on the street. You’re better off saving it. When you text her that night, you’re still the “guy from the street,” whether you spent 30 seconds saying “hi” or thirty minutes sharing about where you went to school and what you do for work. This has been corroborated by another player here in NYC. Accept your loss ratio and work on top-line. Trying to make an “impression” on each girl also is futile because you’re up against another tenet of the game:
- A difficult woman remains difficult.
Basically, if the girl is fun and carefree, the forty-five seconds you spend are sufficient; she’ll respond and you’ll meet and shag. If she’s difficult – which is a general term for women who are skeptical, suspicious, haughty, bitchy, condescending and/or rude – no amount of chatting is going to overcome her normal disposition. You won’t fuck her with a 30 second stop-and-chat, but you won’t fuck her with the investment of an hour of top game. Let her go. That’s the beauty of the game. Next!
There you have it. Move through the city (or suburb) confidently, smoothly and quickly, getting numbers and work the phonebook later. Even if I like a girl, I’ve found that it’s better to work on her in the comfort of my apartment then accompany her on errands or join for coffee on the spot. At least when I’m home with them, I’ve a shot at sleeping with them!
A Little Thing Called Women’s Pride
A whole book could be (and probably has been) written about this subject, and we men know very little about it as we start out. We come to appreciate it, however, because it governs so much of the female mind. Men may fist-fight over offended pride or lost face, but women will walk away from great opportunities because they don’t want to acknowledge a truth in the harsh light of stark words. That’s a key insight to guide your interactions.
I mentioned earlier that you should never force a woman to confront her life situation (let someone who’s not going to fuck her do that) by asking her, “Are you single?” Women, more than most men, define themselves and their “success” in life by the quality of their romantic relationship, so the admission of being alone is a big lump to swallow.
A corollary to guarded pride is that young women will rarely go out on a limb, especially in a social context. I have a friend who is great at “college game” and he focuses on the dynamics of the campus crowd. He talks about “tribal” psychology in which men are viewed hierarchically and popular women will only date/sleep with guys who occupy the higher rungs. It’s true in society at large, as well, but in the fishbowl of college life, more things are transparent and readily measurable. The point is that college girls will never risk social shame by dating a particular guy even if they really like him. College is the social training ground for American women, so prepare yourself. Older women who have broken the yoke of social judgment or young European women who have a different culture context tend to behave differently (in my experience), but young American females are a cowed group, in general. They are hot, though, so know what you’re doing.
Also, just to show you the challenge we face as men, consider this: a woman wants to maintain her pride, and is thus reluctant to extend herself in the presence of friends, whereas a man will nearly humiliate himself to win her over. You don’t have to do it that way. It’s illustrative, though, to understand just how imbalanced the courtship game can be.
Because they won’t go out on a limb in words or actions, you have to create a situation that makes it possible for them to feel as though nothing is being risked. That’s why you should avoid “yes/no” questions and also make the proposition light, and non-committal such as “grabbing a cup of coffee.” You can ratchet up the stakes later or switch the terms, but you need deeper interest, interest you’re unlikely to develop on the street in 45 seconds. Most people will agree to a cup of coffee; fewer will say yes to a “home cooked meal at my place,” even though it’s a nice offer.
Envision yourself as a breeze through their life. These girls don’t know that you’ll fuck them and be one of the ten sexual partners they have in their early 20s, thus making you a very significant part of their social/sexual reality. That’s too intense. For now, you’re just a cute, charming guy who’s up for a cup of coffee and a walk through the park. Nothing more.
Verbal Game… There’s No Other Kind.
For you guys out there who still think it’s about the car, the apartment, the big penis, the good-looks, the clothes, the job, etc., I will tell you flat out there’s only one kind of game: verbal game. I’ve had periods in my life (early 20s) when I had all the props and I was missing many shots. I’ve had periods (now) when I don’t have the props, but I have strong verbal game and I’m hitting tons. Of course these things can get them to look, and some men have a situation in which they can remain mute and clean up: rock stars, professional athletes, male fashion models, deci-millionaires (I don’t even think a millionaire these days can assume easy pussy).
Why is verbal game important? 1. Women are verbal beings. They relate through language and intonation. 2. A lot of men have no verbal skill so the ones who do really stand out. Let me ask you this question: what happens to the good-looking guy who is sitting on the train as the hottie nearby is checking him out? What happens when she gets to her stop and the doors open? Answer: she gets off the train.
Now re-read that last paragraph. This needs to really sink in.
All your props are meaningless unless you initiate and carry a conversation. There are those women who will come over and introduce themselves, but only if you’re good-looking (or visibly rich) and they, themselves, aren’t always prizes. And here’s an irony for you: though women are verbal and language-oriented they’re surprisingly poor at driving a conversation. They can really talk, don’t get me wrong. About themselves, dating, clothes, men, relationships, and high-heels. (Women’s shoes are a subject of interest to me, believe it or not. That knowledge has helped me out a good many time.) But, while they’re superbly skilled at answering questions, they lack the ability (in general) to structure an interesting conversation. I’m sure it goes to the submissive, follower tendency of the female character. I like that quality.
The point here is that you’re going to have to carry everything, from the initial chat to get the number, to the text messaging, to the 15 to 60 minutes of conversation you make at your place before you go for it.
I want to elaborate on why verbal game is important. It’s the great equalizer. I have a friend who is very good-looking and he’s a smart, Harvard-educated doctor. He’s a fun guy with a great heart. And, he’s had his share of nice looking girlfriends. But, he’s nowhere close to maximizing his male potential regarding sex. His biggest deficit is lack of verbal game – and he admitted so much to me the other night after dinner. My point is that my friend has it all – looks, warmth, intelligence, career and education, worldliness, no bad habits – and yet women don’t break his door down for sex. The reason is that he lacks verbal game.
And here’s the reason women gravitate to men who have game, which is the same thing as saying men who have verbal game: words keep it fun and prevent awkwardness. What’s the opposite of a fun, playful chat with some innocent teasing thrown in? Awkward silence and boredom. Cross Cyndi Lauper’s words at your own peril, gentlemen. Girls do just want to have fun. Bore them because you can’t rap or worse, make it awkward because you don’t have anything to say and see her leave rather quickly.
So, What Do You Say?
In writing, there’s no substitute for something to say. The same holds for conversation – it really helps to know a few things. More than the average guy, I’m interested in clothes, fashion, relationships, dating, gender politics and sex. I’m writing ninety pages on this stuff, for God’s sake. Your rap is your game. It’s your duty to keep it going and make it interesting, or you will fall flat. She will participate, but as the man, you’re in charge of driving the conversation. This is done easily by being a pivot, allowing her to express herself openly to you on a subject she cares about and is knowledgeable about (usually relationships). There is more on this in the audio segment, Conversation Secrets.
Female Short-Term Memory and the Generic Objection
What I’m about to say may offend the uninitiated, but will resonate with men who’ve slept with over fifty-or-so women: don’t be afraid to steamroll or dismiss female objection – they’ll forgive, or mostly likely forget, about it in a few seconds. I’m talking about her objections to giving you her number, meeting in your neighborhood, meeting after 9PM, etc. I’m not advocating being dismissive of her objections to your physical advances; those are to be heeded. The reason they don’t own many of their objections is that women are intuitive and if they like the direction of the interaction they’ll forgive anything. And they don’t register that you just sidelined their objections. Or, if they do, their brains don’t retain the information. It’s discarded in favor of some positive information like, “This guy is hella funny!” or, “He’s got such exciting plans for tonight!”
I’d say that still, even at my level, 50% of the women who give me their phone numbers show initial reluctance and even say they won’t do it. It’s one of several generic objections, and it’s easy to combat. Just get your phone out and say, “Just give it to me and I’ll text you. If you don’t want to have coffee you can decide that later. No big deal.” As you become more persuasive, through practice, you’ll find that the combination of an open phone at which you are both staring, your confident body language and the act of verbally diminishing the significance of actually taking the number will make it hard for most women to resist. Moralists, get over yourselves by realizing I’m just getting a piece of contact information.
Once you’ve got the number, generate goodwill an hour later with a text like, “Hope you’re enjoying this beautiful day. ” Smiles help, I’ve found. Most will appreciate the attention and forget any haggling that occurred. At this point, it’s just about accumulating these numbers so you have something to play with.
This is called inventory.
It all comes down to this, gentlemen. You either have the gift or gab, or you don’t. Without words, you’ll have a hard time disrobing her. Verbal game comes by many different names: flow, rap, spitting game, chops. Think about it this way: you are sitting in close proximity to a woman whom you fancy. She notices you. If she says nothing, how are you to proceed? You could use sign language – which brings to mind a funny story about a recent college party (they were in college; I wasn’t) in which two deaf girls made humping motions towards my buddy and me because they couldn’t audibly communicate – or maybe just open your phone, look at her, look at your phone and then look back at her. Maybe that could work. Give it a shot. Sometimes the incredibly confident assumptive sell can work. I’ve had success with handing over a business card after a few glances and no exchange of words.
More commonly however, you have to open your mouth. And women are language-oriented so if you say something bone-headed or obvious or stupid or crude or inaccurate, she may lose interest immediately. You have to engage her, perhaps with ambiguous interest (Does he really need directions or does he think I’m cute?), and you need that difficult balance of giving attention yet remaining aloof. Psychologically, humans like the game of ambiguous situations – the person clearly is initiating contact but he is also distracted or not too focused at the same time. A simple technique here is to ask a question and then look away, not too obviously, but breaking eye contact, as if something you really like has caught your attention. This may seem manipulative, and it is, but as you practice it will become second nature and you’ll approach most women with the right proportion of attentiveness and distance; you won’t have to be calculating. In fact, you’ll actually be both interested and not so much, because she hasn’t yet qualified herself as a real candidate – she’s still just some girl. Until she demonstrates that she has reciprocal interest, it’s best to have an aloof air to your interactions. This serves to protect you from emotionally overextending yourself (in the process jeopardizing the interaction and subjecting yourself to rejection) and it will keep her interest; no girl likes to be spoon-fed her lovers. In our separate ways, we both like the chase.
What are some standard things to ask?
- Where’s a good sushi restaurant around here?
- Do you know where there’s a Chase ATM?
- (at Starbucks) What is the difference between Splenda and Equal?
- The time.
- “You look fit. What gym do you go to? I need to find one myself.”
- (at Starbucks) “Don’t you find that Grande has too much caffeine?
- Where’s an American Apparel store?
- (at a grocery store, holding a cantaloupe) “I can never tell when these things are ripe…”
These “lines” will stop most women, because they sound like innocuous questions. She will fail to notice that you passed several perfectly good candidates ahead of her – the fat guy, the old lady, and the two teenage dudes – all of whom could have answered the question just as well. This may work to your advantage because her subconscious may already suspect, “He’s stopping me because I’m cute!” That helps you, if she’s the least bit open to your approach.
Depending how good you are with improvisation – that is to say what kind of actor you are – you can try all sorts of off-the-cuff ideas, such as, “Great hair. Come here. (touch it) My sister is tired of her stylist. Where’d you get that done?”
Here are a few pointers, simply guideposts:
Keep it short.
Make it seem casual, like, “Give me your number so we can grab a coffee sometime.”
Open your phone and have your fingers ready to dial. This suggestive pose encourages her to comply.
If you need to make the transition between “directions” and “can I have your number,” you have to tip your hand a bit. Perhaps the least threatening is something like, “I’m new to the area and don’t know my way around. Let’s grab a coffee sometime and take a walk…” Alternatively, if you sense she’s digging you, then just make like you’ve noticed she’s cute, “Wow, you’re really cute. Let’s grab a coffee some time.”
Don’t ask yes or no questions; rather, make statements. Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend or if she’s available; she’ll let you know if she’s spoken for. NEVER ASK IF SHE’S SINGLE. Women bristle at the idea of being single – many think it means they’re defective.
A good rapper – in the original sense – keeps his language loose, flowing, intuitive and pertinent to the environment and task at hand. He stays in the moment. Verbal game requires you to be fully present, giving the situation your full attention, but not in a forced way. It’s like playing a sport well. And, like any sport, your game will benefit from practice. If there’s a skill set necessary, it’s the ability to remain intuitive and creative on the presentation front, while running analytics behind the scenes. That is because you need to handle this interaction critically. You are not, in fact, stopping a stranger to ask for directions. You’re setting up a girl for a date later that night or week, but she doesn’t know it. Having a brief interaction without getting the phone number is worthless, as I’ve said. It will not further your goal of having sex with her, obviously.
What does that mean? Are we back in an eleventh grade physics class? Sort of. Kinematics is the branch of physics that describes the mechanics of motion. The movement of emotions within a woman’s head is complex and it can be tumultuous, but that motion is governed by a set of laws, believe it or not. In no particular order, here are some of the laws as I know them:
- If a woman is over-pursued she will lose interest.
Unavailability is a huge turn on for most women. They do have a breaking point after which it becomes neglect, however. Women generally like to become intrigued by the man while they’re unsure if he’s interested.
Women don’t mind to be attendant to a man who has a calling or is passionate about his work; they’re happy to be the one who is there when he needs a break.
Keep these ideas in mind as you interact with your women.
Rejection and How to Deal with It
First of all, you are not getting laid if you’re not getting rejected by some women. In fact, the more successful the player, the more he gets rejected (scratch head). That’s because it’s a numbers game, and a good player is taking shots all day long, maybe fifty times a day. He might get fifteen good numbers, and he’ll have sex with three of those girls. Not bad for making some small talk here and there. It’s a myth that the pros don’t get rejected. The difference, however, is how they deal with it and the context in which the “rejection” is uncovered.
I say uncovered because the rejection (or acceptance) is there the moment you engage her. There’s a small chance you can change the state of her position, but most of your work will be bringing what’s latent to the surface. Your job is excavation. The information you need is interred and you must, like a skilled archaeologist, dust off the layers to get at the treasure.
A good player doesn’t come on too hard with a direct “Can I take you out sometime?” line. He uses all the indicators of the interaction, including such obvious things as an engagement ring or wedding band. More subtle tells include body language, eye contact, effusiveness, and compliance. Most good hustlers don’t ask for the number before they know it’s in the bag. If you have good mental armor, meaning you can take straight rejection, you can plow through the crowd, but that’s rarely the most effective maneuver. Better to ask some probing questions and allow her to disqualify herself, thus avoiding a “rejection moment.” Questions that reveal: Where do you live? (maybe too far; vacationers are good), Do you go out a lot? (probably single), Are you a student? (weak relationship, stakes are low). I usually have fun when I finally do ask for the number: “Since you live all the way downtown and I’m up here, should we even bother trying to meet for a cup of coffee?” Puts it in their court. The more humorous and casual you keep it, the better. Since girls like to be entertained, bring out your performer. If she has an engaging minute or so with you, she’ll want to keep that feeling going and the number holds the promise of a re-connect.
Avoid “hard” questions that force them to make a yes/no response. The point is to avoid situations where they have to choose between losing face (“Yes, I am a pathetic single woman.”) and eliminating the opportunity in front of them, which is you (No, I’m not single. I have a serious boyfriend.). Reading between the lines should tell you that the worst thing you can ask a woman is “ARE YOU SINGLE?” If you must, ask obliquely: “Are you available to meet for a drink?” or “Since neither of us is married, I think meeting for a cocktail is allowed…”
Keep it non-committal and fun; you are a breeze in her life lifting her up like a leaf. Nothing heavier than that.
You will also develop a detachment as you become better at this. You will learn to engage women in the anteroom of your psychology. You’ll invite them into the emotional foyer and have a discussion with them but you’ll learn to keep them out of the interior of your house until they’ve demonstrated some key qualities. This skill, which you will automatically develop as your lifestyle changes, allows you to interact with many people (not just attractive women) without venturing too much of yourself. To criticisms that this makes a man cold, uncaring, sociopathic, etc., I say how can we afford to truly live in a modern cosmopolitan world in which all of our interactions are fully transparent and in which we extend ourselves completely – emotionally, financially, and physically? There needs to be a personal remove if you’re a hustler. You can still have a rich life with your male friends, family and if you choose, some girlfriends or, eventually, a wife. But when it comes to random cute girls on the street, be careful. If you don’t practice some reserve your reality is going to be pockmarked with soured expectations, cancelled engagements, and other disappointments.
Missed Opportunities and Global Population
Careful here. Don’t let a missed opportunity derail your whole hour or day (or, God forbid, your week!). I still miss plenty of opportunities on a daily basis. In fact, yesterday I let three hot girls walk past and I did nothing (reminding me that women never initiate contact unless they’re given ample time and the circumstances are just right). That was yesterday, and I’m still thinking about it. But, and here’s the good news, I’ve met ten women since then. Don’t let one missed opportunity cascade into a series of hesitations until your confidence withers and you turn in on yourself.
Get back in the game. This really is a sport. The best way to break a negative mindset is to get into your next interaction. Keep going. All the best players know this. They have a tenacity and perseverance that drives them forward, despite occasional stumbles. Any peak performer has fought through sluggish periods in which their game is sub-par. It’s called a rut.
Remember that even the best of us can’t “kiss all the girls,” as my old boss used to say. As men, we often want to get them all, but keep it in perspective. Even legend Wilt Chamberlain only slept with 20,000 women. And that is a self-reported number, so who knows. 20,000 out of a female population of over 3,000,000,000 is 0.00067%. Granted, those 20,000 were a select group of young, attractive women (I hope), but he barely made a dent. So keep your cool and move on to another prospect. Next!
And here’s a piece of comforting wisdom: the hot girl you missed on the street may not be nearly as fun, sexy or good in bed as you imagine. You may be surprised, on the other hand, by the quiet, reserved, plain-clothed girl sipping coffee at Starbucks. Don’t get too worked up about the ones in the stream that swim by. Focus on yourself and your game, and your own numbers will climb.
Not all pipelines are in Hawaii.
Many exist in the minds and cell phones of men across America. The concept of a pipeline is that if you’re really going have fun with women on your terms you need a lot of supply, because for any number or reasons, some won’t play by your rules. Keep in mind that it will take some time to fill your pipeline to a level that allows you to have new girls in your life on a constant basis. That may sound overwhelming and perhaps it’s too much for some men. I’ll confess that it does take a certain amount of time and focus to keep all these women engaged.
However, a full pipeline allows you to make last-minute plans and also to double-and triple-book. Basically, by having a deep reservoir of cute girls, you will always have options. The hardest time of day to have a sexual rendezvous with a woman is in the late morning/early afternoon because most of these girls work. If you’re connecting with chicks in the middle of the day you’ve achieved true “player” status. You’re also probably unemployed.
If you’re new to the game, it may take a bit longer, but a decent player should be able to fill his pipeline (forty girls) in about three weeks. After that, the early numbers start to go stale. By that I mean a woman’s interest and availability are perishable: she may meet a boyfriend, lose her phone, move out of the city, or eventually become suspicious of you since you haven’t met face-to-face and you’re simply an anonymous telephone number. Work the street and venues in your area and get those numbers in there. You’ll be amazed at the power of a phone number if you use it right. It can bring a cute girl you’ve only met for 45 seconds to you door at 10PM, ready for seduction and sex.
Also, don’t get too bogged down with any individual girl, as I’ve mentioned before. Remember, you’re trying to get forty numbers (at least) into your phone so you have something to work with. Getting frustrated or distracted by a single girl, no matter how hot, is an amateur move. She’ll probably be a dud anyhow, and you need to get into a position of strength where you have options. That one girl with the cute figure or face or style or whatever, is trying to control your reality with her looks. Don’t let that happen. If she’s down to play and gives you the number, great. If not, keep walking.
Beauty is what a lot of woman use to control men; we use money, access, physical force (or the threat of it), etc. Falling under the spell of a woman’s beauty is going to weaken your game. It happens to all of us, but in the early days when you’re trying to transform your life from a lonely, single existence to one of abundance, don’t get mired down with the “promise” of a hot girl. They’ll drag you around with that, for quite a while. You need to get on top of your love life in a serious way and she’s working against you. Move on.
A Side Note: Presentation
Your image is comprised of two components: your looks and your style. You have limited control over your physical appearance, not counting grooming. Style can always be enhanced, however.
You have a genetic heritage that determines if you’re short or tall, heavy or slight, hairy or not. There’s not much you can do in this department. There are two measures you can embrace that can change some of your God-given attributes: physical training and surgery. Of course, you can build your body, and if you’ve got the time and inclination to do so, I say great. Don’t be misled, however, to think that pulling a lot of girls has anything to do with muscle mass. You will get more notices and if you have a girlfriend, she’s sure to appreciate your physique. Unfortunately, I have no evidence – personal or anecdotal – that working out will increase your flow, in terms of better game, or hotter girls. The problem with indirect methods (bulking up, a flashy car, bling, etc.) of scoring girls is that they a) take effort and time to acquire and maintain, time you’re not working your prospects and b) you merely get their attention – you still have to convert. These inanimate objects won’t do the hard work for you and men come to rely too much upon them. There are exceptions – such as a huge yacht in the Mediterranean that will impress a group of hot Russian gold-diggers – but if you have access to that you don’t need this guide.
Also, from what I’ve heard, the gym isn’t an easy place to get traction; women are on their guard because they’re wearing little spandex shorts. A good rule of thumb is that any situation in which a woman feels a heightened sense of attention (especially sexual attention) is a situation in which it will be harder to win her interest. The reason for this is that she’s aware of general male attention and she enjoys the ego boost. She may not want to jeopardize this attention by paying you singular attention, thus pissing off other men; she’d rather bask in the glow of male adulation than make a specific connection with you. Also, she’s suspicious of you because you’re clearly interested in her on a physical basis (this is always true, but not so blatant with street game).
The gym and bars are examples of poor settings for this reason. Perhaps the extreme case of this is a strip club, in which the stripper knows a) exactly what your intentions are and b) doesn’t want individual attention that will detract from the group gaze. So, as men we have to operate counter-intuitively. It seems natural to engage a woman when she’s wearing the fewest pieces of clothing, but it will be hard. Work them when they least expect it and you’ll put in less work and enjoy them more. And remember: a half naked girl who flirts with you but fails to give you a number is worth nothing, but a fully clothed girl who gives digits and really wants to meet soon is worth a lot. Remember, most of “game” is about perception. In a crowded gym full of testosterone-fueled men, a hot woman feels like a goddess – and she is. You don’t stand a chance against her ego. That same girl, though, a few days later at the grocery store or launder mat will be genuinely open to meeting and chatting.
Surgery is another option. I haven’t had any work done, but I know procedures exist for men. Obviously, it’s your call. I’d say that going under the knife for the sake of impressing women (though they do it for us all the time) is not a strong move. It’s an admission of inadequacy which may haunt you. If you have wanted to do something for a while for yourself, I’d say fine. Getting calf or pectoral implants to look better at the beach seems silly and dangerous to me. And, again, the players I know (including myself) do very well with none of that. Besides, the beach – where you will strut your stuff – is a weak scene for the reasons I mention in the preceding paragraphs. Careful with big decisions of a medical nature – you could be heading down a very frustrating, expensive and worthless road.
What constitutes style? Everything you do, say and show. There’s even a guy in the seduction community called “Style” – that’s how imperative it is to get this right. Part of the reason this has a lot to do with game is because it’s the number one silent communicator. Body language, confidence and style are interconnected. Together they form your image. And women get wet for image, believe it or not. They’re not very concrete thinkers in this department: you can show them an Adonis who has “superior” traits in every physical and intellectual category and they’ll choose the skinny rocker because they like his style and they want to be part of his image. It’s annoying to have to accommodate that type of thinking, but it can also be a fun part of the game and you will learn a thing or two along the way.
Style is worth exploring because it’s an area over which you have tremendous control. The dictates of your family or job may make some suggestions hard to implement, but for the most part, you’re free to dress, groom and behave as you choose in your social life. Let’s look at style along several dimensions: grooming, fashion and hygiene.
I got a haircut yesterday and I feel like a goof. To top it off, I also trimmed my considerable scruff. The effect of less hair is amazing. I feel it and so do the women I’m sleeping with. I went from tufts of long hair and a strong-jaw look (accentuated by heavy scruff) to a puffy boy’s cut and ruddy cheeks. I don’t feel the least bit sexy or alluring. I have enough lined up so that I can still have sex based on my pull from last few week, but I don’t have much traction on the street. I still get numbers, but I can feel with some women an absence of magnetism. It’s discouraging, no doubt, but not insurmountable. Also, hair grows and by next week I’ll be in peak form. Sometimes I go from hirsute to clean-cut as a kind of catharsis. Invariably, I overdo it. Luckily it’s just hair.
What’s the lesson here? That women like scruff and longer hair? That’s not a bad wager, especially the scruff part. But, plenty of men pull off a shaved head with finesse: Agassi, Willis, Beckham. Granted, these are good-looking, rich, celebrities, but they’ve departed from their locks and still look good. I will elaborate on scruff, because it’s definitely a chick-magnet.
Forget images of the wholesome guy, corporate do-gooder or military official – women want it rough. Your face, that is. They will complain about a rash after kissing you, and if you dive below, careful, but invariably they will love the touch and feel of a facial hair. Obviously, it’s attractive to them because they can’t grow it. And it signifies something else: a rebel’s lifestyle and attitude. Few men who are gainfully employed can sport scruff, as a consistent thing. The boss won’t have it. If you can swing it, you’re differentiating yourself from hordes of other men, and announcing that you’re an artist, independently wealthy or simply don’t give a fuck. For many of you in corporate America, it will be hard to swing, but maybe you can let it grow Thursday through Sunday night, thus giving you three nights to go caveman. By the third night (Saturday) you should have a shadow that highlights the jaw and draws out dark eyes, giving women a tingle in their nether regions.
Here’s a little tactical secret: if you have to shave, do it the night before, after a warm shower. Then, by the end of work the next day, you’ll have something to play with. On the three-day strategy, that means shaving Wednesday night and having a relatively clean-shaven Thursday, a rough Friday and then a sexy weekend.
For those of us lucky enough to live a lifestyle in which we can dress and groom as we please, I recommend using a beard trimmer, the kind found in most barber shops. I use a WAHL HOMEPRO hair clipper. Once a fortnight, I use it to shear my scruff and it does a great job. Without guards (used to guarantee certain lengths of hair) the clipper gets pretty close, leaving me with the scruff I’d typically have two days after shaving with a razor. Even this is too close to look ideal. About two days after I use the clipper my scruff comes in nicely and continues to look good for about ten days. Make sure to do this in the bathroom because little hairs fly everywhere.
Almost every woman loves to feel the scruff and comments on how she loves it. I think that’s sufficient evidence. I’ll leave it up to you guys to figure out goatees (which I wear in the summer, occasionally), soul patches and other forms of beards.
Also, keep in mind the savings – no razors or shaving cream. And, I know it’s better for your skin to use a clipper; razors shave away the top dermal layer, which is what we call “razor burn.” Cheaper, healthy, sexier. I’m sold.
Where else do men groom? I’ll leave the debate about whether to shave balls up to you and your friends. A couple of things, though. You can use the same WAHL clipper on your pubes. If you do use the clippers, careful on your scrotum. I learned the hard way that you should keep the clipper a millimeter above the sac-skin. It will bleed. Also, I’ve never shaved my pubes but judging from women’s experience, I’d say that razor bumps will be horrible and it will itch.
Tweezing your mono-brow is a must. I’ve yet to find a woman who likes the thick line of hair above the nose. The best tweezers (thank you, Annie) come from Switzerland and are called Rubis. Get the ones with angled pinchers. Don’t get crazy plucking outside of the designated region or you’ll be chased by fags. Keep it to the inch right above your nose.
Also, you can get a nice pair of Rubis nose-hair scissors, with blunt tips so you don’t puncture your septum. They’re good and keep the rascals down to a manageable length.
A note on nails: keep ‘em short. Both sets.
This is a whole category, and people will have many opinions. I don’t want to say anything definitive, but I’ll offer a few rules of thumb. Also, the caveat is that I live in Manhattan, which is the fashion capital of America, so we’re sensitive here. In Getting Laid I talked about a downtown look and an uptown look. Downtown was jeans and a black, form-fitting designer t-shirt. Uptown was a suit with a fun shirt, or jeans and a blazer, with loafers. That’s still fair. I’ll say a few more things, culled from empirically observed female preferences:
Form-fitting sweater, shirts, button-downs and jean are more flattering. The tailored look is good and signifies that you have class and money.
Natural fibers – wool, silk, leather.
Buy fewer items of higher quality rather than tons of cheap merchandise.
Designers do make better clothes.
Build a wardrobe over time
I’m a bit over 6 feet and lean. I have long arms and broad shoulders, but a thin frame – good for competitive swimming, not off-the-rack clothing. I favor the high-end Italian designers – Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, Armani, CoSTUME NATIONAL. If you have the same build and have a hard time finding slim fitting shirts and sweaters with sufficiently long sleeves, try Dolce. They make beautiful and ridiculously expensive clothes.
Whatever your body type, budget and esthetic sense, follow the bullet points and you’ll improve your fashion presentation. In general, your clothes don’t need to “wow” her, they just can’t detract or distract. This goes along with the idea of the female disqualification paradigm. They’re on a course to copulate; don’t give them a reason to veer. Ill-fitting or cheap clothes will cause most women to turn the wheel.
With shoes, Ferragamo works well for dress, Gucci for loafers, Prada for trainers (this is New York, after all). Adidas makes nice, less expensive sneakers. The point is that you should buck up and spend a bit more on your shoes and take care of them. They really can make or break an outfit, and women really notice them. I’ve personally known a woman who has disqualified a guy based on his shoes.
This is a chapter about what our mothers taught us. Do we wipe our asses? (yes) Do we shower often? (every other day) Do we get the wax out of our ears with a Q-tip? (not since I was a boy). I don’t need to patronize or talk down because I’m not squeaky clean. I’m more on a European timetable with showers, etc. That may seem gross, but I don’t sweat that much, I don’t work a normal job and when I do sweat I don’t have strong body odor. I’m basically lazy and I like the way my hair looks after a couple days without shampooing. Shampoo and other hair products basically strip hair of its natural oils. It then becomes dry, stiff, and brittle. It doesn’t have the sheen and pliability that makes hair sexy. Of course, we can introduce conditioners and hair oils and other products, but too much stripping of these natural oils makes hair limp and coarse. It’s obviously your call, but I like how my hair looks after a few days without shampooing.
In the fragrance department, I’m generally an au natural kind of guy, but there are plenty of great colognes on the market, I’m sure. A girl once bought me a bottle of Gucci cologne (in 2003) that I spritz on if I really feel like getting into the mode. I’ve had to learn to use very little because strong perfume/cologne is a near-universal turn-off.
And fresh breath? I have only one thing to offer beyond the standard trio of brushing, flossing and rinsing: the OOLIT tongue scraper. The one I have is white with a serrated plastic edge with the brand-name and OXYfresh printed in gold. It’s a nice little tool for scraping plaque and guck off the tongue. I have a friend who carries one with him when we go out and does a quick scrape in the public restroom before chatting up the ladies. I’m not as consistent with it, but I’m always amazed at the build-up if removes. It’s a good tool to add to your oral hygiene arsenal.