Rejection Comes With The Territory
From time to time, I hear a guy make excuses by saying that of course I get a lot of girls because of my looks…
I want to share two quick stories with you now of failures, so you know that I get my share of crash-and-burns, as well.
It’s true that I have spent time developing my strengths, particularly in the areas of attitude and fashion. My style often works for me, and since I’m in the business of females, I spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money looking my best. I also have the luxury of experimenting and trying new looks, techniques and wardrobes.
While it’s true that all this has a positive effect on “game” it’s false to assume that I can get any girl, or that they all respond. I encounter rejection just like other guys do.
Girl #1: Met her in Chicago last weekend. I was at a popular nightclub and Angela was outside smoking a cigarette with her friend. She had on a tight white dress and a large, visible tattoo on her back. She had a trashy but sweet look to her. I talked to the two girls for a few minutes about Hollywood, Chicago, tattoos and the nightclub scene.
She was interested in me, which was clear. I took her number. She told me that she couldn’t really hang out that night because she was at another dude’s table. She wanted to meet the next day, though. I gave her a hug and went into the club. I could feel by running my hand down her side that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
Later that night I saw her dancing on the banquet with her shoes off, obviously drunk.
I texted her late night but she wouldn’t come over. Saturday was a busy work day, so we traded few texts. When I got back to the hotel room, I called her and she sounded eager to meet me for a drink. I told her after my late dinner at 10PM.
Fast forward: she’s at my hotel door, having valeted her car in the parking garage below. She comes in and sits in a single chair in the large hotel room. She does not sit on the bed – not a good sign. I have to pull up a chair and sit next to her. It’s an awkward angle.
I start massaging her and slide off her dress straps. She doesn’t let her 24-year old breasts spill out like I hoped she would.
Eventually, I get her shoes off and she’s on the bed, but she’s reluctant. We kiss and she pulls away. This girl is clearly a slut, and I don’t say that because she’s in my hotel room. It’s just her attitude. A girl who wants to have sex right away isn’t a slut, she’s just horny; a slut is a women who is sloppy in terms of her thoughts, emotions, goals and attitude. Ironically, I don’t do well with these types. I think they can feel a player and they get guarded. I have, many a time, been shut down by girls who are easy for everyone else. Isn’t that funny!
Long story, short, she wanted me to take her downstairs for a drink and then “maybe something will happen.” I had to laugh. She was trying to bargain with me. I also know from experience that if they are talking that way they’ll take me for a fool and then back out after the drink. She clearly wasn’t into my vibe, which was fine.
Oh, I forgot to mention that she let me pull her panties down, but then reversed course. Nonsense.
The most interesting thing about this is that she said at one point, a few minutes before she left, “You don’t know how to play this game,” indicating with her gesticulating arms that she meant “seduction.” I played dumb and asked, “What game?”
No booty, but no associated expenses, either. That’s what I call a “no deal” meeting. Neither party benefits, and neither party loses.
GIrl #2: Much shorter story. On my way to Brooklyn this afternoon, I was walking down a busy street towards the subway and a hot brunette fumbling with a cigarette walked towards me. I looked good: scruff, shades, long hair, sexy new leather jacket.
I thew out a causal question: “Hey, you know where the subway is?”
She walked right past the bait. All I got for my efforts was a half head-turn and a, “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t even break gait. And I’m a professional!
Be easy on yourself. We’ll never know why that hot one we saw yesterday didn’t stop.
It’s part of the mystery. But….there’s always “Next!”
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that even a guy like you, who obviously has a lot of experience picking up women, still gets blown off. Cause it doesn’t feel good when a woman just looks at you like you’re crazy. But like you said, you just gotta ignore it and work with the girls who dig you. Love the new blog, keep up the fantastic work.
It takes balls to approach a woman cold and start a conversation. Most women have no idea what we put ourselves. Then they just shoot us down. I’d like to see some hot-but-dumb girl try and approach a decent looking guy who has his shit together and get him interested in her. If he has standards he’ll just politely decline her and when she feels terrible about it, she would have some idea what most normal guys go through. But maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about rejection any. What good does that do me?
I have to agree, like paul said its figured into the equasion. Getting shutdown is the price that you have to pay to be successful. I personally dont believe that Mystery guy, he gives the impression that he is like a sniper and can get any girl, i think its bs.
I think we should just accept the rejections as a price we pay, if we want the goods from the supermarket, you got to pay when you get to the checkout!
I call the realy bad and orkward and embarrasing shudowns “Battle Scars” You got to have a few bad battlescars if your going to be good
Just more proof that you have to start where you are, use what you have, and do what you can.
I guess you never know who’s unreceptive – or would string you along – until you approach. Then again, the opposite is also true – there’s nothing more pleasantly surprising than seeing an apparently closed-off woman brighten up to your approach. It’s all about the numbers.
“You gotta break a few eggs in order to make the omlette”
I got this one from David D., although he probably has it from somewhere else…
There is always the other side to the story, don’t forget that. Maybe she had a bad day, doesn’t have to be you. I know that I treat myself quite badly, I always beat myself down for anything… Just be yourself, do your best and see what comes out, if you don’t make it, accept it; at least know you did your best, right
?
And don’t let it bring you down…
Nice stories Paul…
Your system is awesome, Paul…I’m collecting numbers regularly now and had 2 dates this week. Both only drank 1 drink though! WTF??
Great post. Very inspirational.
Alot of women, and good friends that are hot ones all say “you just radiate the player look”, which sucks, while i actually am a player im pissed that women can just look at me and assume it,, eventually when i bang them which usually does happen they all say the same thing, “your such a player”, how does one avoid being labled as this even though im doing nothing but hanging out with my guy friends and having some drinks….
Mystery and other PUA style guys deal with the most rejection because they’re so superficial and unauthentic. (Tho from his OUA show on VH1 it seems like fool proof – B.S. TV at it’s best). The more authentic and balanced you are, the smaller the scale of rejection you’ll deal with. But, everyone has to deal with rejection on some level. Our egos assure ourselves that “She would be stupid to not want to be with me.” Then, when we get rejected we might feel offended. But when you know you’re an authentic character man you have to accept rejection. If your not getting rejected your not trying.
I slightly disagree with Andrew over here.
When you are more authentic you may actually have more rejections.
1) Many people don’t now how to handle someone who is honest. A woman recently told me “Many girls don’t want someone who can see through their insecurity”.
Why do you think there are so many attractive women with pussy men?
2) When you are more authentic and approach more you will sometimes know the interaction is not going anywhere. So technically, it is not that you’re not getting rejected, you just cut your losses.
3) I have realized most guys are not successful simply because they don’t really go after women. And those who do don’t refine their technique, in terms of getting the kind of girl they truly want and feeling more relaxed and confident.
4) Bottom line: you approach more, you get rejected more but then you get laid more!
Rejection has nothing to do with how attractive you are.
“A girl who wants to have sex right away isn’t a slut, she’s just horny; a slut is a women who is sloppy in terms of her thoughts, emotions, goals and attitude. ” – So true!!!
“I think they can feel a player and they get guarded. I have, many a time, been shut down by girls who are easy for everyone else. Isn’t that funny!” – So so soooo true.
Great post. You hit the nail on the head with sluts.
Paul Janka, you are the master daygame guy here, but may I offer advice?
“I thew out a causal question: ‘Hey, you know where the subway is?’
She walked right past the bait. All I got for my efforts was a half head-turn and a, ‘I’m sorry.’”
Never open with a yes or no question. You should have said, “Hey, where is the subway?” A question phrased this way requires more thought investment for her to answer. She has to say, “um I don’t know” at the very least. If you do it like that, It’s harder for her to say no and just walk away.
Just walk away midsentense as Paul does, when the interaction isnt going anywhere but down the drain. Thats what ive done alot. Its friggin fun to
I’m actually planning testing the fashion thing. I got other projects going on right now, but in 2011 I have a plan to research this Paul.
I’ll actually try to get 10 lays dressed really nicely (I got some really well put together expensive and well-fitting clothing), and then I’ll test 10 lays dressed in sport-style… You know, training shoes, nike sweater and nike trainer pants, without regular showering and hairstyle (just how I wake up in the morning)…
I won’t actually dress like a bum though, no faded clothes. Just difference between fancy-expenstive and sporty-cheap.
So, I’ll compare the two, and see if there’s any difference in conversions. You know, approach to number and number to date and date to lay. Yes, I’ll go all cheap-clothes even on date etc…
Paul,
So listen, isn’t the way you met the first girl violating the rules of HTGL in NYC?
Whenever I go to a club, usually properly dressed and DAPPER women drop right on my lap, BUT act funny just like that one did. I”m aware that I have been waiting too long to contact them, but seriously I have way better luck on the day game.
I guess they just don’t expect it walking down the street.
Cheers
Maybe dressing all high end attracts the manipulators – They know you have money so they do their own “game” on you.
Tempt you with sex, but pull back at the last minute.
But then again, with women, they are flaky…that’s why only the numbers game matters. Take each girl out of the puzzle, approach many and separate the wheat from the chaff.
Paul Janka is the master, so his opinions and instinct are based on statistics from numbers alone.
well i got a story too, i went to the military call for rotc and a young blonde in a red dress was sitting by herself. i approached her and spit my game. she felt good about me and told me ……”i dont talk to players” hallo
“We’ll never know why that hot one we saw yesterday didn’t stop.”
This may come as a shock, boo-boo, but sometimes we have more important things to look at no matter how much scruff you’re rocking that day. The sooner you cease to react to that, the happier you’ll be.
I don’t mind getting rejected anymore, which is truly an awesome feeling. I’ve been shot down so many times I feel I am impervious to any regret, shame, or fear. I’m at the point now where I simply enjoy pushing the boundaries of what I will do. I feel that if a woman rejects me it is more of a negative reflection on her than me. Like athletics, pick up is now about pushing myself as an individual to my own personal goals. The real excitement is about trying something I have not done before. Rejection is irrelevant.
WARNING: ANECDOTE
Last night I went to the movies alone (I don’t do movie dates) to see True Grit (the Coen Bros. are the only filmmakers who can get me into a movie theater these days) I noticed a couple on a date standing beside me at the bar, a classy brunette and some meek looking dude. The dude goes to the bathroom and I engage this woman. She is interested in me and I ask her out for later in the week (my first error, should have just went for the info). “She goes: ‘Wow. I’ve never been asked out while I was on a date before. Let me think.” I stand by like a nube and let her do so. (my second error). She thinks for about 15 seconds and then says ‘no’. “But you’re very nice” she says. I laugh at her. “I’m not nice.” I said. And walk away.
Upon reflection, I realized I made some errors which negatively impacted my chances. I identified them, cataloged them, corrected them, and moved on. But I had never tried to pick up a girl when I knew she was likely on a date. So for me it was a new challenge. NEXT!
Paul I need some advice ………….
I met a super hot chic at yoga, got her number, we went to dinner, discuss that we were both into each other and that we noticed each other in yoga. We had dinner and drinks, she invited me back to her place, we starting off kissing and led to incredible sex all night. She is not a slut, nor am I, we both admitted were extremely attracted to each other and want to hang out and see where it goes.
She’s only 3 weeks out of a two year relationship, which she says is over, and after the incredible night of sex the next day she texted me to have dinner at her place or mine. I accepted to buy dinner and eat at my place and at the last minute she texted me and said: “hey, I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to do a dinner at home date tonight. We kinda skipped a little ahead the other night. I’d be happy to meet for a drink after work or yoga later this week. Sorry for being such a flip flopper, see you sometime soon.”
Then I said: We can meet at the restaurant instead, let me know. Then she said: I’m not quite ready for hangin out again. I’m still evaluting wether I’m ready for this. I’d be down to talk about it later this week.
I said: “no worries, see you at yoga.”
So with all that said, I really like this girl and I know she likes me. Should I just stop pursuing and move on, or is she playing hard to get? Actually I’m not sure what to do at this point other than fade away and give her space.
Your thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
You worked your magic and you guys ended up having a great time. Very cool…but she flaked out when you were set up again for what would most likely be sex again. All her flags are going off and although she can ignore her aches and needs for one night she knows it’s way too soon to be putting it out to a guy she just met, especially after just getting out of a r’ship. Like she said, too much, too soon, but you shouldn’t read this as ‘not awesome sex’, you should read it as she needs space.
Stick around, be friendly and gently let her know you are dating a few girls and really did have a good time with her but you understand she’s got alot going on ..and then see if she gives you a call in a week or two. If she does you should hit it till she can’t walk for as long as you desire, but keep in mind that you don’t want to dive in deep with this chick – a two year r’ship is a long one so there’s no real future there as a g’friend anytime soon, don’t waste her time or yours.
i can say somthing about the second girl: in contry where im from(israel) many ppl say and also pua’s that israelis girls are the most dificult to start, as example the kind of second girl that u tallking about you can find every where.
After reading this article it made me think of girls I have encountered. Some are genuinely putting on the ”anti-slut” defence. But the weird thing is, which has happened many times, is they are clearly turned on, give you a BJ and thats it. After you’ve cum, you don’t really care. There have also been girls, obviously with heat of the moment, horniness. And even some, who you meet for a second date, and turn out to be sluts. I also got this ‘lets go out for some food and eat’ crap. I wasn’t having it. I think the key here is to stand your ground, be confident and unaffected, and try and get something. Always make them want it more than you do. I also try to transition seduction in several places… Great advice though.
Paul, you do have the looks, admit it man
But your stuff works. I had many a beautiful moment in London. The only catch is, I have to go out and put in the effort, the leg work.
I’m in the average departments in terms of looks, but London prooved to offer me comparable number of opportunities as yours.
I do get less numbers but have a much higher sleep rates with the girls once I have the numbers. I guess its because I go for truly hotties real super direct and attract them asap, and even instadate right there and leave after half an hour or so. (since they are real hot as I prefer, I can be passionate and they can feel it. This also means lesser opportunities though)
Rejected and conquered minutes apart.
I tried daytime during the week for the first time. I have some decent success at bars on weekends but now I see it. To much competition. I have no issue talking to women.
My first encounter was this tall leggy blonde in a business suit, a solid 8. I approached her cold and dead on. She stopped, looked at me and didn’t say a word, stepped aside and walked by and said not happening pal. Next!
Maybe and I am serious about this, maybe 2 minutes later I saw this amazing brunette in a light purple tight fitting dress walk out of an office building, She was a 9 and maybe a 10 (I almost never give a 10 out) I went right at her like she was dinner without a thought of the blonde in my mind. I told her that “I had to say hi to a woman as beautiful and as stylish as she was. I need to run to a meeting but could I get your number”? She gave it to me with a sexy grin on her face and her bright blue eyes, eye fucking me as I started to walk away while she was still giving me her number. The next night I texted her (wed night) and asked her if she was up for a drink at this quiet rooftop patio bar. She texted back right away saying no she was not up for going out but she had a good feeling about me and invited me over to her place for a drink. An hour later we were in her bed, the following weekend we spent all weekend at her place naked.
I am sold on the day game. At a club on a weekend I would have had no chance with her.
I’d say that was a very decisive way to approach, and evidently, it worked like a charm.
You guys don’t get it, do you? The girls who turn you down, despite your awesome flirting (and/ or bedding) skills, want to go beyond what you offer them. They see right through you – cause it is anyway very hard to miss the sexual approach- but they want more than getting laid. They may show you that they are not oblivious to your charm or they may have indulged in some sexual proceedings but when they take a step back, what they do is actually trying to show you that they want something more than sex. The girl who turned Paul down wanted more than just to engage in sex right off the bat: she wanted to get to know him and feel seduced before the sex. Really Paul, she was right to say that you didnt know seduction…seduction is a slow process by degrees, not a procedure…
Not many blogs that contain such consistently readable and interesting content
as is on offer on yours, you are due the small amount of time it takes
to jot down my appreciation at your hard work. Many thanks.
I have to tell you guys that Paul has it nailed when he says that the lounge meetings work best. I have this great piano lounge facility which has dimly lit love seats in the back of the room and nothing beats the intimate setting for quick results in analyzing where things are headed. The waitresses have seen me with so many different women there that I am starting to get paranoid about them saying something to these women on there rest room breaks. Hey don’t laugh because a friend of mine had this happen to him. He found out that some of the female staff was ratting him out about being there with loads of different girls. Women generally hate players and will go out of there way to warn others. Guys Ave it tough eh? LOL. Oh yeah I just had to point out that in my own personal experiences if you dress high end and have descent looks you will attract many women who assume you have money…..but will disappear quickly if you do not LOL. On the other side of the coin is the situation where a guy looks high maintenance and radiates the player look which brings out women’s insecurities and has them lose interest. I am a perfect example of this scenario. Fuck….I can”t seem to figure anything out LOL
As paul mentioned rejection comes with playing the game, women will try to find holes in a guy at pretty much all parts of the seduction…. from getting her number to the date then the bedroom etc. You learn to not be effected by there reactions and that in it’s self turns a woman on as most guys show they are emotionally effected when a woman says no.
Rejection = success